Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Day Four: Discouraged

I had more acupuncture today, again with the electric current attached to the needles. The baby moved a ton, and I've been feeling lots of pressure on my bladder, so I was hopeful.

However, I saw the midwife after acupuncture... and was told I am "only a fingertip" dilated.

She says my cervix feels softer, and originally thought the baby's head was lower, because my fundal height went from 39 cm last week to 37 cm this week... but.... nope. It seems she's maybe just more scrunched up.

At least it does feel to her that the baby is moving a little bit less posterior... though definitely not anterior yet.

I gained three pounds, which is surprising, given that I've been gaining one pound every two weeks at most, but whatever. Some of that is certainly in my ankles.

My midwife does not feel like birth is imminent. She does not want me to use the breast pump to stimulate labor, as she fears that if I did go into labor with the baby's head so high, it would be a very long, arduous labor.

I nearly dissolved in tears in her office, but managed to hold it together by just getting very, very quiet. I'm tired of this. Tired of being tired. Tired of worrying if my sister will be here for the birth. Tired of being so damn hot. Tired of being so ineffective.

I understand now why Shannon said that she was worried she would be pregnant forever. I now wonder if I really am going to have a baby, or if my bedroom is now set up as a juvenile furniture showroom just for kicks?


My sister is worried about her seven year old daughter, alone with cousins in another state. My cousin who is watching her vented (via email) to me about how hectic it is for her with another child in the mix, and that I needed to send a gift to my niece to thank her for her sacrifice (which I had already done, earlier this morning)... and so my sister wants to go back to MA for a bit. At first she was saying just for a night, then it was for 24 hours, then 24-48 hours, now it sounds like Wednesday-Saturday.

It makes me sad because it was feeling so good to feel chauffeured around and catered to. To be the star of someone else's show.To feel like I didn't have to worry if I went into labor because someone is here. And now, after having her here for two nights, to already be facing having her leave... it's tough.

Yet she is leaving the decision up to me. But is it really right to ask her to stay if she could do so much more good in MA? How do I weigh my perhaps frivolous wants with her missing her daughter (presumably), my niece missing her mother, my cousin feeling stressed by hosting my niece (though tonight she denied this feeling to my sister on the phone). Is this the lot of the SMC, and I've just been lying to myself?


  1. First of all your needs are not insignificant. They are very real and it is normal ro want company and to be waited on at this point in time. The idea of having a baby is scary and it is nice to have someone there.

    If your sister does go back, I can offer you my spare room. I know it would be better to be home but if you want company... Also Elsie and I are free on Friday and could come spend the day or part in Brooklyn.

  2. Hmm, I don't think your sister should be asking you what she should / can do. I think she is the mother - she should decide for herself what she needs to do. Either way You definitely deserve to be waited on hand and foot. Remember - just one day at a time, - and I promise your baby Will come out - and Soon!

  3. Hang in there! Remember, you will NOT be pregnant forever, but you WILL be a mother forever! The waiting is hard. Even though I'm still 3 weeks and 2 days away from my guess date (and rather think the baby will not come for another couple of weeks after that) I also am ready for it to happen pretty much any time (after my hospital tour on Thursday, that is...). That's truly a bummer about your sister wanting to leave. I agree that you totally deserve to be waited on hand and foot, as well all do at this point. It will all be worth it once you meet your daughter, though!!

    I read Ina May Gaskin's "Guide to Childbirth" this week and found it very inspiring. Maybe if you read all those wonderful stories of birthing it will help your body kick into gear?

  4. Aww, sorry about all this. Yes, the reality is that the lot of a single mom can be a hard one. There are simply times when a partner in the task at hand is much needed and wanted, and we just have to survive without. (I'm in one of those times myself). It sucks. But the wonderful experiences of having our babies, our families, sooo far outweight these these tough times. Do your best to take good care of yourself, pamper yourself however you can and call in anyone you can for friendship and support. No matter what you will have your baby girl soon and all this will fade quickly! Sending lots of good thoughts your way!

  5. Thanks everyone!

    Casey -- I just finished re-reading Ina Mae's book! Yes, it's a good one. Very inspiring!

    Claire, you know I'm in awe of you! And yes, I think once I have that baby girl in my arms I will never feel this lonely again... Luckily, now that my sister has decided to stay, the loneliness has faded! Hopefully it stays gone.