Hard Day

another cell phone post because the internet is still down at moms house.

calliope took a long time to go to sleep last night. it seems like she gets overtired and the more tired she is. the harder it is for her to fall asleep. so last night we went to bed about 2 hours later than the last few days. i have been aiming to be in bed for 12 hours total each night knowing that i wont actually be asleep  that whole time but that that total plus a long afternoon nap might look something like the modified bed rest my midwives prescribed.

the night went pretty smoothly after that. until about 6 thirty in the morning. when my mom started tidying up downstairs comma emptying trash cans and the dishwasher. i was trying to fight full awakeness when my daughter suddenly and dramatically spewed a large quantity of undigested milk onto the bed between us. in case you havent experienced this it is a frightening sound. i sat bolt upright and snatched her up and that was the end of sleep for me. she of course passed out immediately afterwards  now that her belly was comfortable.

we had a couple hours nap in the late morning. and then she refused to go back to sleep. i was really hoping for another short walk and also maybe a trip to the local library. i knew this was ambitious because it entailed installing the car seat base in my sisters car on top of the more obvious preparations.

four hours later. still unshowered and only recently fed myself i gave up.

calliope doesnt seem to have any comfort mechanisms besides nursing. i know they say you cant overfeed a breastfed baby... but i dont believe that. if she is eating for reasons other than hunger. to my mind. thats not necessarily healthy. just like it wouldnt be healthy at any other age.

however i still let her nurse whenever she wants to... but when she cries and roots while the nipple is still in her mouth i feel frustrated and helpless.

finally when i was just completely done... she somehow fell asleep in the swing. glory be.

i left her swinging in the den. gathered my strength to journey upstairs. and cried in the shower.

really my first tears apart from a moment or two on the phone with midwives. and my mom came home not too long after which allowed me to go to the library alone. i am rereading anne lamotts book operating instructions a journal of my sons first year on my friend emilys advice. thanks emily.

im already feeling better but i think the fatigue of the last 15 plus days is hitting me. i wonder if it would be easier with a partner... i doubt it. but it would make it easier to go home to brooklyn. i wish there was a way to be there briefly to see the midwife the chiro the pediatrician and the np covering my clinic as well as a few friends... but if i couldnt make it to the library with her theres no way i can think about going home.

it feels very strange to be so disconnected from the world.