Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Forty Weeks, Four Days: In Which I Discover I am Really Not a Very Nice Person, Part One

You know how with journals, you never want to go back and read them, because you realize that you only write in them when you are depressed or at least pensive in a downwardly sort of direction?

I feel like blogging has the opposite sort of tendency. People may, on rare occasions, write when they are less than pleased-as-punch with the way that life is treating them... but if they do, they tend to gloss over the rough stuff.

I need a compromise. Without feeling like a completely terrible person. Which I sort of did, the last time I really vented on here.

I'll start with the easy one. My friend A, who is planning to be at the birth with me... but who still tells me that I can kick her out at any point. Which I sincerely appreciate.

I called her last night to discuss the birth... namely, whether if I should invite my mother to be present as well. I tried to tell her, "I know you can't advise me; I just want to bounce some things off you."

She started bringing up points, a few of which were valid, but many of which were not. She wanted me to listen to a long list of them before I was allowed to respond, which was frustrating in itself, because yo, I'm 40+ weeks pregnant... how many points do you realistically think I can hold in my head? Plus, then it stops feeling like a conversation and more like a lecture. And then, after I said, "okay, I think I want to say to my mother than I'm not sure how I want things to go," my friend said,

"Yes, do that. Do that for me."

And that makes me feel like I can't breathe. It was my suggestion, and I'm doing it for me. I know this sounds like a non-issue. I can't explain it. But she said various permutations, summarizing what I had said I was going to do, which was frustrating in itself. Telling me how I do things for others so much, and how this has to be for me. Which is great, and true, but hearing it, seriously, more than ten times, repeated with great emphasis... it was like she felt like I was hard of hearing.

I finally said, "I need to stop this conversation. I feel like my boundaries are getting crossed." She was fine with that -- I give her tons of credit for never being overly sensitive -- and we got off the phone, after 90 minutes.

I'm pretty sure she was drinking during our conversation. When she drinks (nightly), she gets very, very emphatic. And loving. Which sounds like it should be great, but as a non-drinker, the ever-increasing emotional pitch starts to make me very claustrophobic.

Also as a non-drinker, I tend to forget that she drinks every night, and that I shouldn't have serious conversations with her at night. Of course, we both typically work during the day, so it would only be on weekend days that we would be able to talk.

So question for you readers: should I tell my friend, "darling, we shouldn't have serious conversations when you are drinking? And I need you to tell me when you are drinking, because it's not always clear to me."

Is this fair?

Because right now, the feeling after that conversation, is that I don't even want her at my birth, because I felt like she was so tone deaf in our conversation to my attempts to my retreat, until the final one, when I just said I had to get off the phone.

It's hard because at the end of the day, I don't feel like we are truly kindred spirits (yes, I read Anne of Green Gables, about a million times... what of it?). But she loves me dearly, and is deeply committed to me.

What would you do?

1 comment:

  1. I think actually she sounds fine. The fact that you can be brutally honest with her and still have a friendship is huge! And going to be VERY handy during childbirth when you may say things you don't quite mean or put them in a way that someone might take offense.

    Btw, you might want drink... I've heard a glass of red wine can start labor. ;)